Mother-In-Law Vent

Controlling Mother-In-Laws: Why do they do it?

The root cause of your Mother-In-Law problems is often hidden deep in her unconscious. In her eyes, there is nothing wrong with her behaviour.

Your Mother-In-Law may feel (consciously or not) like you have stolen her son. She is no longer the most important woman is his life. You have replaced her. She may be operating from a place of scarcity, rather than feeling like there is enough of his love/time/attention to go around. She may repeatedly test her son’s loyalty, forcing him to choose between her way of doing things and yours. Your husband is in a lose-lose situation, and is repeatedly set up to fail. All the worse for him if you do the same thing by repeatedly asking him to choose between his wife and his mother.

Even the most intelligent and emotionally balanced parents feel some sense of loss when a child leaves the home permanently. The Mother-In-Law has to redefine her relationship with her son, as well as make room for a new relationship with you. She may initially try to ‘train’ you in family ways/customs/recipes. But if you try to change a family tradition or take your husband to your family events instead, then you are being selfish and he is being disloyal.

Even the best in-law relationships experience some of this competition for loyalty. Depression, addiction, illness, divorce, religious/ethnic differences and financial woes can all make the situation much much worse. Don’t forget that she was also a Daughter-In-Law, and her relationship with her MIL will color your relationship. Perhaps discussing this past relationship with her could shed light on your situation – not solve it – but help you understand the root causes of her behaviour.

Mother-In-Law Vent of the Week

This vent sounds so crazy that I know it is true. Truth is always stranger than fiction. This MIL is certifiably crazy and needs medication or some kind of serious intervention. Thank you for writing "D", our sympathy is with you! -- MIL Vent

My MIL is the most evil, hateful, and meanest person I have ever met on this earth.  My husband and I have lived together for 17 years, she has lived with us 16 out of those 17. 

She reminds me on a daily basis what a terrible mother I am. (my son is a well adjusted 3rd grader with straight A's, respectful, confident, I couldn't ask for more).  When I got pregnant a second time, she announced to both my husband and myself that she wanted nothing to do with "it".  She has done so many terrible things, that if I was to actually write it down in letter form it would be far to long to read..  So for venting purposes let me put it in summary:

-She chases my son's friends and cousins with brooms, bats, knives, hangers, etc., and tells them that there ugly, stupid, fat, she even curses at them and tells them to leave!  She hits them and won't answer the door if they come over. When they spend the night, she puts bleach on their toothbrushes, salt in there shoes, hides there belongings or throws them in the trash, she cuts up their stuffed toys and burns their dolls.

-every time my brothers two youngest (9 and 11) come and stay with me she tells them that their father is a bad father, he's stupid and doesn't love them.

-she'll tell my husband that I'm cheating on him

-Two years in a row for my son's birthday, she gave him a card with $20.00 (usually she doesn't give him anything) and than took the money back.

-She snoops through my things and takes things.

-When my family comes over, she'll ignore them if they make an effort to be nice to her, she'll give them dirty looks and tell them to leave

-Last Christmas she poured a whole container of salt into my crock pot because my husband mentioned that he liked my cooking.  Then she emptied the trash into my purse.

-She uses my kitchen towels (the ones I hang up on the cupboard to dry your hands) on the floor and won't say anything to anyone unless she see's my husband using them, she cuts holes in them and uses them as rags, she moves my cleaning supplies so I have to look for them, including my broom, vacuum and just about anything else you can think of.

-If I try to talk with her to settle and arguement or to confront her for something, she laughs at me or flicks me off or goes into her room and slams the door in my face. 

-Believe it or not I am nice to her overall and got her a job cleaning my bosses house (she complained that she needed more money).  The next day my boss pulls me into his office and wants to know what is going on because she was telling him that she knew that he and I were having an affair!

-She lies about everything, including every single thing I have mentioned. She denies all!

-she's dirty and leaves a mess every where she goes.  She'll cook something and then leaves it in the oven for days. She uses my cutlery in the garden.  She destroys everything she touches. She's constantly breaking glasses and plates and sticking things in the garbage disposal that I have asked her constantly not to.  She'll wash 4 articles of clothing on a large load, with hot water and a double rinse and then put those 4 articles in the dryer on high for 90 minutes and she'll do this every day, two or three times a day. I used to attempt to wash my own delicates which never seemed to turn out to good, then one day I caught her pouring bleach into the washer the moment I walked away from it.

-I do so much for her, when she's sick I take care of her and wait hours at the doctors office for her.  I'm polite and respectful.  She doesn't pay for anything, including rent.  She drives my husband car anytime she wants to and has her own credit card that we pay for.

I know there is plenty of terrible things about her that I haven't mentioned but I never thought venting could be so exhausting! I'm at my wits end and I know what your thinking... Why not just leave... well that's another long story all in it's self.  Thanks for the venting session I sincerely needed it!

Sincerely, "D"

Mother-In-Law Disaster: What to do when it all goes wrong

How do you recover after a major blow-up with your Mother-In-Law?

Vent. Talk to you girlfriends, not your husband or your family. Your girlfriends will let you get it off your chest. Your Mom or Sister will remember everything you’ve said and hold a cumulative grudge against your Mother-In-Law and perhaps your husband. Don’t involve your Sisters in Law, or other relatives for the same reason. Dr. Phil says ‘If you haven’t talked to your in-law about what’s bothering you, then you don’t have the right to be complaining about the problem to others.” While we totally intellectually “get” that, we aren’t all strong enough to confront our Mother-In-Law. You have to get it off your chest, so go ahead and vent.

Stop bitching about your Mother-In-Law to your husband. We know it’s hard. This doesn’t mean don’t have constructive conversations with hubby about setting boundaries. Just stop complaining. Remember, no man likes to come home to a complaining, bitching wife. As a bonus, the less you complain about your Mother-in-Law, the more likely he is to complain about her! But when he does, resist the temptation to join in the fun. Listen to his complaints, but don’t add to them. It can be extremely gratifying to hear him complain about her!

Do NOT email your Mother-In-Law! In fact, do not create a written record that you will later regret after you’ve calmed down. Even if you receive an aggravating email from your Mother-In-Law or others, send only the briefest, most courteous reply. You cannot take back the written word. It will only come back to haunt you.

Don’t involve the children. Shield your kids from any arguments with your spouse or in-laws. Even if you can’t stand your Mother-In-Law, you should do everything in your power to preserve a positive relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents. Don’t speak ill of your Mother-in-Law in front of your children—you know it’s the wrong thing to do.

Examine your role in the feud as objectively as you can. Did you act immaturely? Did you say something you know was out of line? Did you break a promise? Do you give her the same amount of time with her grandchildren as you allow your mother? What about your behaviour embarrasses you?

Did you give her a chance? No. Really. Many Daughters-In-Law get themselves worked up and defensive before a Mother-in-Law visit. We play out scenarios in our minds, predicting disaster, and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She can do no right. If she insists on cooking dinner you view her as controlling and insulting your cooking. If she doesn’t offer to cook you see her as a lazy, imposing, ungrateful houseguest. If you continuously predict negative outcomes, that is what you will get.

Have some empathy for your husband. This grudge match could be causing your husband a great deal of stress that he is not verbalizing– it’s not easy being in the middle of two women he loves. Put yourself in his shoes. Have some sympathy for the fact that he is in a lose-lose situation. If he pleases one of you, the other is certain to be mad at him. Accept the fact that however horrible your Mother-in-Law is, your husband needs to have a positive relationship with his mother.

Try to put yourself in your Mother-In-Law’s shoes. Even if you really, really don’t want to. Recognize that your she loves your husband. This may be the only thing you have in common with her! Can you pinpoint the root cause of her behaviour? It must be difficult for her, a seasoned wife and mother, to see you -- an inexperienced wife and mother -- doing things that don’t look right to her.  Don’t you think it could be hard not to say anything if you see someone doing things you know to be wrong, be it cooking or child rearing?

Try this exercise: before speaking to your Mother-In-Law, imagine she is your own mother. Speak and react to her with the same level of respect and consideration that you would give to your own mother. Does it feel artificial? Is it difficult? Perhaps you will realize that you aren’t as nice to her as you could be. (Or perhaps she is truly impossible!)

Decide if you would rather be right or be happy. Would you rather win every argument, or would you rather have a peaceful home life with your husband and kids? Imagine your future if this feud is unresolved. What will it do to your family? Your holidays? How would you feel if your Mother-In-Law was hit by a bus tomorrow? (No snickering) Would you feel guilty that you didn’t try harder to make it work?

Work with your husband to develop an action plan. Don’t let her be the downfall of your relationship. If you are lucky, your husband is supportive, and on your side, if not see Mama's Boys. Either way, sit down and talk with him (when he is not in his ‘cave,’ watching the big game, or exhausted from a hard day’s work.) Tell him he is your #1 priority -- not the feud with your Mother-in-Law. Men (who are from Mars) like to talk about solving problems rationally. They don’t like to emote and empathize about a problem as women do. He is not going to say, “yes honey, she is a total B$&%* and you are 100% right, I’m sorry it has been so hard on you.” Ask him to brainstorm with you how to improve the relationship, such as setting new boundaries for his mother.  Agree to a concrete action plan and start enacting it. You will both feel better. Good luck!

Snooped and read Mother-in-Law’s email, what a mistake!

They are having a crisis over at BabyTalkers.com and asked us to weigh in with advice: “My MIL asked me to help her with her email a few days ago and told me the sign-in details. I know I should not read her emails, but I did and I saw some very hurtful things said about me. Well that got me digging and lo and behold there are a bunch of emails with not very nice things said about me and even my family…” Check out the full story and offer advice at:

http://www.babytalkers.com/forums/dear-bt/10922-mad-hurt.html

76% of Women don’t call Mother-in-Law "Mom"

I don’t. It makes me uncomfortable. When I was first married, my MIL made it known through my husband that she wanted me to call her Mom. I told my husband it made me feel awkward, as that word was reserved for my Mother. She told him that she called her MIL Mom and that it was the natural thing to do. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and called her by her first name, which was a little weird. Things got a lot easier after our baby was born, and we all starting referring to her as Grammy. It sounds like most of you agree with me -- check out our reader poll results below.

Poll Results: Do you call your Mother-In-Law "Mom?"

Re: I have the Craziest MIL!

I strongly feel no grandparent or others for that matter should dictate what choices you make for you and your family. MIL's can be very controlling and overbearing at times, you have every right to put them in their place (so to speak) and stand up for the rights of your family! Children learn by example! It's not ok for grandparents to smoke or drink around a minor! It's unsafe and it sends your child the wrong messages about what's exceptable and what's not. Ladies, I too have a MIL who plays games and I had it! She has been put in her place by my husband and myself and currently, she's playing "victim" role. I will rant about it later! My hearts are with your all!
TG

Posted by: TG | February 17, 2007 at 11:47 AM

I have the craziest MIL!

My crazy MIL is a drunk that thinks it's A OK to smoke in the house while my baby is there, even though we had the agreement before he was born that there was to be NO smoking!
She seriously starts drinking from when she gets up till she goes to bed. I've NEVER seen her drink something nonalcohloic! when she's good n drunk, she tells you stories over and over!
The worst part, she babysits my son on weekdays due to financial reasons... you'd think that would make her not want to be drinking, for the safety of her GKs, huh! but NO she...ugh! I HATE her!

Posted by: I have the craziest MIL

I'm probably not being fair...

Urban Hoochie Mama writes to me that her MIL just can't win. If MIL wants to come visit the grandkids, she is annoyed/put-out/has to clean/irritated, but if MIL shows no interest in visitng the kids she views her as cold/unfeeling/not a good grandma. Upon reflexion, there are many situations in which I don't let my MIL win either... There is so much pent-up anxiety and tension that no matter what she does or says she irritates me. That is sad.