Newlyweds: Mother-In-Law Myths

If you are engaged, or newly married and already experiencing Mother-In-Law problems, welcome to the club!  We are so sorry! While being in good company may not be much comfort, try to learn from our collective mistakes.

When you are dating, and meet your Mother-In-Law for the first time, you are nervous and want her to like and accept you. Often, things go well until a wedding planning incident, and then really head south after the birth of the grandchildren. Or perhaps there was a revealing moment very early on, when she said or did something that raised a red flag for you and indicated trouble lies ahead.

Your Mother-In-Law makes a cutting remark. You feel humiliated and furious, but you try to laugh it off and make nice. Over time, you never find the right moment to talk things out, to set boundaries or precedents.  You suffer in silence, becoming resentful. Or perhaps you stew and stew and then boil over and have an argument with your Mother-In-Law and/or your husband.

Wives wait for years, hoping that things will improve.  Our friends and sisters and mothers try to reassure us, and we kid ourselves with wishful thinking. Then, we have a light bulb moment and realize that this woman is not my ally.

Take it from us newlyweds, and learn the following myths about Mother-In-Laws early on:

5 Mother-In-Law Myths: (with some credit to Toxic In-Laws Book reviewed below)

1. Things will get better after you’re married. If she is difficult before the wedding, she is unlikely to miraculously change after a ceremony.
2. Things will get better after she gets to know you. Trying to win her over with your great personality, or by constantly giving in to her wishes is likely to be futile, exhausting and make you resentful.
3. Things could change after you have a baby. Some Mothers-In-Law do mellow considerably after becoming a grandmother. But for others, a new baby is a new area for conflict, criticism and unsolicited advice.
4. She lives far away, so we won’t have to deal with her very much. Long-distance calling keeps getting cheaper, as do discount airfares. Plus, when you see her infrequently, months of emotion and expectations are packed into a condensed period of time. Perhaps you won’t spend as much time physically together, but she will still be a regular presence in your life.
5. My husband will always put me first. Often this is true, except when he is dealing with his mother! Sometimes he can be an ally during a crisis, but often he can prevent you from seeing things objectively and from taking swift action when problems arise.

Newlyweds, set your Mother-In-Law precedents and boundaries early! Learn from our collective mistakes!

• Have realistic expectations of her, she is not going to be your best friend or mother surrogate. She isn’t required to love you, just to be civil and polite.
• Have realistic expectations of yourself. You aren’t required to love her either, just to be civil and polite. You do have the right to say no to her, to disagree with her, and to set limits with your husband on the time you spend with her.
• Have realistic expectations of your husband. He IS required to love you both! Have some sympathy for the man in the middle. He is required, however, to help you take concrete steps to set boundaries and communicate them to his mother clearly.