An edited list of links that are worth a visit:
Parent Hacks
Dad Gone Mad
Go Fug Yourself
La Coquette
Stroller Derby
Amalah
Fussy
The Happiness Project
Good news, I have a new full time freelance job!
Bad news, I don't have time to spend on this non-profit blog!
Please reach out to a friend (not family member) and get the venting out of your system - it is important. Make sure your husband is shouldering his fair share of the burden - it is HIS mother after all! I also recommend you read the book "Toxic In-Laws."
Sending best wishes during this brief hiatus,
Admin at Best Mother-In-Law
The root cause of your Mother-In-Law problems is often hidden deep in her unconscious. In her eyes, there is nothing wrong with her behaviour.
Your Mother-In-Law may feel (consciously or not) like you have stolen her son. She is no longer the most important woman is his life. You have replaced her. She may be operating from a place of scarcity, rather than feeling like there is enough of his love/time/attention to go around. She may repeatedly test her son’s loyalty, forcing him to choose between her way of doing things and yours. Your husband is in a lose-lose situation, and is repeatedly set up to fail. All the worse for him if you do the same thing by repeatedly asking him to choose between his wife and his mother.
Even the most intelligent and emotionally balanced parents feel some sense of loss when a child leaves the home permanently. The Mother-In-Law has to redefine her relationship with her son, as well as make room for a new relationship with you. She may initially try to ‘train’ you in family ways/customs/recipes. But if you try to change a family tradition or take your husband to your family events instead, then you are being selfish and he is being disloyal.
Even the best in-law relationships experience some of this competition for loyalty. Depression, addiction, illness, divorce, religious/ethnic differences and financial woes can all make the situation much much worse. Don’t forget that she was also a Daughter-In-Law, and her relationship with her MIL will color your relationship. Perhaps discussing this past relationship with her could shed light on your situation – not solve it – but help you understand the root causes of her behaviour.
When I started grad school, we had a useful seminar about stress reduction. The Dr. said that two major stressors we could learn to avoid were “Negative Prediction” and “All or Nothing Thinking." Obviously, this translates to obsessing about potential negative outcomes, and imagining that everything is terrible if one small thing goes wrong.
As I get ready for another Mother-In-Law visit, I can’t help but reflect on these stressors in relation to Mothers-in-Law. When I was getting ready to deliver my daughter, I spent many hormonal moments stressed about my Mother-In-Law’s pending visit. Where she would sleep? How long she would stay? What would I do when my husband was at work and I had to spend the whole day with her hearing about how I should feed, bathe, and care for my newborn? The anticipation of her visit was (almost) as bad as the reality.
Not to blame shift, as she was a bit of a nightmare, but I made the whole situation so much worse for myself by spending waaaay too much time focusing on a potential negative situation. We’ve all done it. Had arguments in our head with our spouse/boss/mother/sister/in-laws. What a waste of precious time.
I can’t imagine I can eliminate all of this thinking. But I’m sure going to try. Because if I spend a week stressing and imagining a terrible visit with my Mother-In-Law, before she arrives, I’ve doubled my pain. For no reason!
How do you recover after a major blow-up with your Mother-In-Law?
Vent. Talk to you girlfriends, not your husband or your family. Your girlfriends will let you get it off your chest. Your Mom or Sister will remember everything you’ve said and hold a cumulative grudge against your Mother-In-Law and perhaps your husband. Don’t involve your Sisters in Law, or other relatives for the same reason. Dr. Phil says ‘If you haven’t talked to your in-law about what’s bothering you, then you don’t have the right to be complaining about the problem to others.” While we totally intellectually “get” that, we aren’t all strong enough to confront our Mother-In-Law. You have to get it off your chest, so go ahead and vent.
Stop bitching about your Mother-In-Law to your husband. We know it’s hard. This doesn’t mean don’t have constructive conversations with hubby about setting boundaries. Just stop complaining. Remember, no man likes to come home to a complaining, bitching wife. As a bonus, the less you complain about your Mother-in-Law, the more likely he is to complain about her! But when he does, resist the temptation to join in the fun. Listen to his complaints, but don’t add to them. It can be extremely gratifying to hear him complain about her!
Do NOT email your Mother-In-Law! In fact, do not create a written record that you will later regret after you’ve calmed down. Even if you receive an aggravating email from your Mother-In-Law or others, send only the briefest, most courteous reply. You cannot take back the written word. It will only come back to haunt you.
Don’t involve the children. Shield your kids from any arguments with your spouse or in-laws. Even if you can’t stand your Mother-In-Law, you should do everything in your power to preserve a positive relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents. Don’t speak ill of your Mother-in-Law in front of your children—you know it’s the wrong thing to do.
Examine your role in the feud as objectively as you can. Did you act immaturely? Did you say something you know was out of line? Did you break a promise? Do you give her the same amount of time with her grandchildren as you allow your mother? What about your behaviour embarrasses you?
Did you give her a chance? No. Really. Many Daughters-In-Law get themselves worked up and defensive before a Mother-in-Law visit. We play out scenarios in our minds, predicting disaster, and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She can do no right. If she insists on cooking dinner you view her as controlling and insulting your cooking. If she doesn’t offer to cook you see her as a lazy, imposing, ungrateful houseguest. If you continuously predict negative outcomes, that is what you will get.
Have some empathy for your husband. This grudge match could be causing your husband a great deal of stress that he is not verbalizing– it’s not easy being in the middle of two women he loves. Put yourself in his shoes. Have some sympathy for the fact that he is in a lose-lose situation. If he pleases one of you, the other is certain to be mad at him. Accept the fact that however horrible your Mother-in-Law is, your husband needs to have a positive relationship with his mother.
Try to put yourself in your Mother-In-Law’s shoes. Even if you really, really don’t want to. Recognize that your she loves your husband. This may be the only thing you have in common with her! Can you pinpoint the root cause of her behaviour? It must be difficult for her, a seasoned wife and mother, to see you -- an inexperienced wife and mother -- doing things that don’t look right to her. Don’t you think it could be hard not to say anything if you see someone doing things you know to be wrong, be it cooking or child rearing?
Try this exercise: before speaking to your Mother-In-Law, imagine she is your own mother. Speak and react to her with the same level of respect and consideration that you would give to your own mother. Does it feel artificial? Is it difficult? Perhaps you will realize that you aren’t as nice to her as you could be. (Or perhaps she is truly impossible!)
Decide if you would rather be right or be happy. Would you rather win every argument, or would you rather have a peaceful home life with your husband and kids? Imagine your future if this feud is unresolved. What will it do to your family? Your holidays? How would you feel if your Mother-In-Law was hit by a bus tomorrow? (No snickering) Would you feel guilty that you didn’t try harder to make it work?
Work with your husband to develop an action plan. Don’t let her be the downfall of your relationship. If you are lucky, your husband is supportive, and on your side, if not see Mama's Boys. Either way, sit down and talk with him (when he is not in his ‘cave,’ watching the big game, or exhausted from a hard day’s work.) Tell him he is your #1 priority -- not the feud with your Mother-in-Law. Men (who are from Mars) like to talk about solving problems rationally. They don’t like to emote and empathize about a problem as women do. He is not going to say, “yes honey, she is a total B$&%* and you are 100% right, I’m sorry it has been so hard on you.” Ask him to brainstorm with you how to improve the relationship, such as setting new boundaries for his mother. Agree to a concrete action plan and start enacting it. You will both feel better. Good luck!
"For 10 years I have been nice, and I am ready to throw in the towel. I have never been mean to her, I have always tried, no matter how hard, to be nice, thinking that eventually she will realize that she was wrong.
When we were first married I called my MIL "my new mother", she told me to never ever call her mom again, her name was XXX and I should use it. Her husband heard her and was so embarrassed by her aggressive tone, he immediately came out and told me he would be honored if I called him DAD.
When we were first married I made a beautiful wedding album for her, she glanced at it for about 5 seconds and threw it on the couch. I had spent hours and hours trying to create something so special for her, and was so hurt.
I gave her a beautiful 8 X 10 picture of her one and only grandchild, she handed it back to me and asked for a wallet size because she had no place to put it, despite living alone in a 4 bedroom house. The next year I gave her wallet sized photos and she handed them back and asked if I didn't have a 3 X 5.
When I got pregnant the 2nd time, she said I was pregnant again to make sure my husband was "good and tied down." For Christmas she gave me a magazine photo of Madonna shellacked to a piece of wood that she had bought when she felt sorry for a beggar. She said she gave it to me "because it was so ugly, it would never fit anywhere in her house."I let my husband choose where to spend the holidays, and he chose to be with friends, not her. She was absolutely indignant that we didn't go to her place and blamed it all on me! Unbelievable! She also told me she could never get close to me because I have differing religious views. Neither of her children even go to church!!! This year, after 10 years of marriage, she announces to all her relatives in the kitchen "My how nicely you are fitting in!" as if I was some abominable creature for the past 10 years.
I am a professional, in charge of mentoring a lot of folks at work. I bring home good wages, don't spend excessively, don't do drugs, or smoke, or swear. On the home front we have 3 beautiful and talented children. My MIL did give me an excellent husband, and I always try to remember that and wish blessings upon her, but now I am sick and tired of her. No one should have to put up with these constant barbs. We don't choose our family, but we do choose how much we are around them. I give up."
If you are engaged, or newly married and already experiencing Mother-In-Law problems, welcome to the club! We are so sorry! While being in good company may not be much comfort, try to learn from our collective mistakes.
When you are dating, and meet your Mother-In-Law for the first time, you are nervous and want her to like and accept you. Often, things go well until a wedding planning incident, and then really head south after the birth of the grandchildren. Or perhaps there was a revealing moment very early on, when she said or did something that raised a red flag for you and indicated trouble lies ahead.
Your Mother-In-Law makes a cutting remark. You feel humiliated and furious, but you try to laugh it off and make nice. Over time, you never find the right moment to talk things out, to set boundaries or precedents. You suffer in silence, becoming resentful. Or perhaps you stew and stew and then boil over and have an argument with your Mother-In-Law and/or your husband.
Wives wait for years, hoping that things will improve. Our friends and sisters and mothers try to reassure us, and we kid ourselves with wishful thinking. Then, we have a light bulb moment and realize that this woman is not my ally.
Take it from us newlyweds, and learn the following myths about Mother-In-Laws early on:
5 Mother-In-Law Myths: (with some credit to Toxic In-Laws Book reviewed below)
Newlyweds, set your Mother-In-Law precedents and boundaries early! Learn from our collective mistakes!
When you have Mother-In-Law problems, you have marriage problems. Susan Forward, Ph.D. the author of a well-written and practical book Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage asks a series of key questions to determine if you have a Toxic Mother-In-Law.
Does Your Mother-In-Law:
If you answered yes to any of these questions, no you are not crazy. You have a Mother-In-Law who is creating chaos in your marriage and who tries to control your life.
The author goes on to describe the 7 Myths of In-Laws and the different types of Mother-In-Laws: Critics, Engulfers, Controllers, Masters of Chaos and Rejectors.
The book covers your expectations as a daughter-in-law, and your rights and responsibilities. Dr. Forward offers highly effective strategies for setting reasonable limits, getting your husband to stand up for you, and for ultimately protecting your marriage.
Having read all of the available Mother-In-Law books, I can honestly say this is the best. It is the only professionally researched and written book to offer concrete advice about our universal Mother-In-Law dilemmas. I have no affiliation with this book or author. However, you can click this handy amazon link below to purchase this great book!
'Trapped in Podunk' writes "My Mother in law wants to be my nanny and I'm not even pregnant yet! (Just trying) I know that it will be cheaper than daycare, but I really don't want her raising my kids." I pointed out to her that her Mother in law theoretically did a fine job raising her husband, but she is full of anxiety none the less. Anyone out there using MIL as Nanny? See our poll results below:
It is never too late to set boundaries, or to re-set them if they aren’t being respected. Assuming you do have to spend time with your Mother-In-Law, what is an acceptable time commitment and frequency for you and for your husband? The first step is to sit down with him (when he is not watching the Final Four of college basketball) and have an open and frank conversation (bite your tongue alot!)
After agreeing on your new boundaries (I know, this is a big assumption), you have to communicate them to your Mother-In-Law either together or your husband can do it alone (if you trust him not to sell you out!) Some of our regular readers have sent in some of the most common Mother-In-Law boundaries.
Ultimately, if you are stuck with the Mother-In-Law from hell, give yourself permission to say no. You don’t have to spend time with her or talk to her. Send your husband and the kids without you. Alternate holidays with your family. You need to protect your emotional wellbeing and do what works for you.
Please send us your Mother-In-Law boundaries to admin@bestmotheirnlaw.com
Tips for a Mother-In-Law about to become a Grandmother for the first time:
(Ladies: Have your Husband email this to his mother! See email link below)
Dear Mom/Mother-In-Law/Grandma to be:
You have successfully raised your own children and are excited to be a grandmother. You know what you are doing and you want to help. Just be careful to remember that this blessed event isn’t about you as a new Grandmother, it is about the new Mom and Baby (and OK the Daddy). While they need help, they also need space. They need time to bond, to establish their own routines and to gain confidence as parents.
Try to remember what it was like for you as a new mom – the exhaustion, the hormones, how vulnerable you felt. New moms are faced with an overwhelming amount of often contradictory advice from mothers, in-laws, sisters, friends, doctors and parenting books.
How did you feel when your Mother-In-Law visited for the birth of your children? What would you have liked her to do differently?
In sum, the best thing you can do is to offer help, bite your tongue, and wait until you are asked.
Some (but few!) new Moms are quite relaxed and want their MIL to participate heavily. But, better to err on the side of caution and follow these hints:
All of this remains true even if the other Grandmother is attending the birth. Most, but not all, women feel more comfortable with their Mothers than their Mother-In-Law. Do not expect equal access. This is unfortunate, but a fact of life for most MILs. If you are lucky enough to have a daughter, perhaps you will have more access to the birth of her children.
No one wants to be a despised Mother-In-Law. A good rule of thumb is to never offer the same piece of advice more than once. We know it is hard, but try to bite your tongue as much as you can – it will be appreciated. Remember, you are setting the precedent for a lifelong relationship with your grandchild and daughter-in-law.
"BarelyWorkingMom" tells us that her Mother-In-Law "keeps buying us hideous gifts. Most of the really awful stuff goes right to the salvation army, but she just bought the kids an ugly gigantic brown plastic indoor playhouse thingy. I know I'm an ungrateful beyotch, but, I can't get rid of this without her noticing. I hate the way it makes my house look!" We have a similar problem at our house. Our solution for small things is to let the kids wear/play with it and take a photo to send to Grammy. Then the ugly item can be donated to someone who might need/use it. But I really don't know what to tell you about the big stuff -- I hope you have a big garage!
Gurmeet Kaur of Kharar, India, is struggling for life with burns covering 50% of her body. Her mother-in-law Shakuntala Devi was arrested for attempted murder, according to the Hindustan Times.
In her statement to the police, the young victim cited greed as the reason behind her mother-in-law’s attempt on her life. Allegedly, while Gurmeet was cooking dinner, her mother-in-law started abusing her for failing to bring in money from her parents and suddenly poured kerosene oil on her clothes before torching her.
Yikes! This definitely makes my Mother-In-Law look benign. I'd better think twice before complaining next time.
They are having a crisis over at BabyTalkers.com and asked us to weigh in with advice: “My MIL asked me to help her with her email a few days ago and told me the sign-in details. I know I should not read her emails, but I did and I saw some very hurtful things said about me. Well that got me digging and lo and behold there are a bunch of emails with not very nice things said about me and even my family…” Check out the full story and offer advice at:
http://www.babytalkers.com/forums/dear-bt/10922-mad-hurt.html
I don’t. It makes me uncomfortable. When I was first married, my MIL made it known through my husband that she wanted me to call her Mom. I told my husband it made me feel awkward, as that word was reserved for my Mother. She told him that she called her MIL Mom and that it was the natural thing to do. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and called her by her first name, which was a little weird. Things got a lot easier after our baby was born, and we all starting referring to her as Grammy. It sounds like most of you agree with me -- check out our reader poll results below.
Poll Results: Do you call your Mother-In-Law "Mom?"
Our poll results show that 69% of you do NOT love your MIL - no suprise there. But, my hunch was that most of you 31% who DO love your MIL might have a poor relationship with your own mother. This didn't prove to be the case. 20% of you love both your MIL and your Mom - a much higher number than I expected - a heartening result!
I am such a big fan of PostSecret.com, this surviving dinner at the In-Law card posted today is a riot. I personally struggle with the amount of butter and salt and dessert at my in-law meals. You?
I was inspired to start this website by a hilarious posting on PostSecret.com that read:
"Dear Mother-In-Law, If you tell me how good the deals are at Costco one more time, I will burn the place down. No jury would convict me. Love, Your devoted Daughter-in-Law.
P.S. I hate those giant muffins. I don't care if a dozen costs less than five dollars. I am throwing them away as soon as you leave."
It occured to me that every single Daughter-In-Law I know has a deep visceral need to vent about their MIL, even if their relationship is basically good. I invite you my DIL sisters to share this site and vent, anonymously if you like. You can't always tell your husband (no really, it will poison your marriage) and you have to get it off your chest!
Natalie writes "I love my MIL and my mother.. is this rare?? lol"
Well, in my experience Natalie, yes it is very, very rare! Ladies, am I wrong? Let me know...perhaps I'll do a poll on this.
I strongly feel no grandparent or others for that matter should dictate what choices you make for you and your family. MIL's can be very controlling and overbearing at times, you have every right to put them in their place (so to speak) and stand up for the rights of your family! Children learn by example! It's not ok for grandparents to smoke or drink around a minor! It's unsafe and it sends your child the wrong messages about what's exceptable and what's not. Ladies, I too have a MIL who plays games and I had it! She has been put in her place by my husband and myself and currently, she's playing "victim" role. I will rant about it later! My hearts are with your all!
TG